So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Randomize
