I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
