just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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