So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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