Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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