You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Randomize
