The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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