do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
My apartment stinks of burning failure
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
