Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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