he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
