Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
