On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
I'm really busy with my period
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