i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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