I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
