I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
