May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
