So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
