So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
