her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
