i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
