You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
