there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
