I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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