worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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