i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Randomize
