garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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