I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I still have a little drunk in my system
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
