just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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