remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Randomize
