I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
