The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Randomize
