i wish my penis had a tongue
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
