The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Randomize
