Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
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