I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
pop tarts are not kleenex
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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