Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
