You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
