Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
