I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
