God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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