Define "chronic" masturbator.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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