youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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