My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
