and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
People in love make me want to vomit
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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