The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
