just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
