Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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