I cannot find my penis.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
