I saw his package. It spoke to me.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
