I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
