Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
